The Sound of Silence
by Sleeplesshurricane
Summary: Takes place right after the Season Finale. Emotional turmoil in our leading ladies.
1. Chapter 1

Jane sat in silence behind the wheel of her car. Her eyes were glazed over as splotches of blue and red lights invaded the darkness of her sight. The colored lights cast pulsating and oddly shaped shadows across her face which remained expressionless. Noise from the commotion outside had dropped so many octaves that Jane could hardly hear it – like her head had been submerged under water. Cold night air seeped into her car from outside, causing her to shiver slightly. Knotted and unruly hair reached down and tickled her nose. She didn't remember taking her ponytail out. Everything was moving so slowly, but her brain couldn't process a thing. All she knew was that she needed to escape.

In a fluid motion, Jane turned her keys in the ignition and slowly left the chaos behind. It was only a reflection in her rearview mirror as she physically distanced herself. She was already emotionally numbed and absent. Hitting a black radio dial on her dash, the sharp voice of a radio talk show host disappeared. The hum of the engine was soothing. The cold air numbed her body, which seemed to fit perfectly with her numb mind. She didn't bother turning on the heat. Her stomach growled. Jane was uncomfortably comfortable.

Eyes stared intently out of the windshield, knuckles white as she gripped the steering wheel. Usually she drove with just one hand; sometimes she even guided the car with her knees. Tonight, both hands were placed precisely at 10 and 2 on her steering wheel and her shoulders were hunched over as if carrying a massive weight.

Lights of the city became less frequent the longer Jane drove on, still leaning forward and tense. Eventually Jane had driven long enough that only every few miles there was a gas station with some sort of diner hitched to its side. She was completely clueless as to how long she had been moving forward. Or backwards. Direction was irrelevant as long as she got away. The sky was pitch black, covered by a thin layer of clouds so that no stars were visible. Without the cityscape, the world around her began to melt into the sky, darkness blurring the horizon the farther she drove. She no longer had to stare into pair after pair of intrusive headlights, or demanding street lights. Again, Jane's stomach made its emptiness known.

The very next building Jane drove past was standing alone, with the words 24 HOUR DINNER DINER casting a lonely red light across the almost empty parking lot. Jane didn't even glance at her menu once she was seated inside. It smelled of old people and grease.

"Uh, just a salad please." She told the waitress, then added as an afterthought, "And coffee. Yeah…a coffee." Jane's vocal chords had gone without use for a few hours - the longest amount of time she could ever remember not talking while she was still conscious. Because of this, her voice was much rougher; similar to early mornings before fresh brewed coffee warmed her throat.

As Jane waited for her food to arrive, she tried her best not to think. Fluorescent lights buzzed quietly above her head as Jane ran the palms of her hands along her thighs. She was shaking; jittery. Every single goddamned choice she had made that day had been wrong. Including the amount of coffee she had, and the fact that she just ordered more. But the distraction of her addiction to coffee wasn't working as her brain began to turn back to the horror of her day. Even as she told herself not to, Jane thought of the crime scene. Of the blood.

It only took a few minutes before she felt emotionally exhausted as her mind ran over the details. Jane closed her eyes and tried to simply breathe.

"Your coffee, ma'am." The clink of a ceramic mug landing on the table caused Jane to open her eyes; sure not even seconds had passed since she had closed them. "And your Salad."

"Thank you." She muttered, not looking up at the waitress. Jane sat still a moment before rummaging around for silverware. The empty seat across the table taunted her as Jane pushed a tomato across her plate. Salads were so much more expensive than what a pile of leaves deserved to be. Just as Jane had brought her mug of strong, black, diner coffee to her lips her phone rang loudly causing Jane to jump. Coffee sloshed over the edges of her mug, landing all over the table and her leafy greens.

"Rizzoli" Jane answered harshly as she moved her coffee back to its resting spot on the table. She frowned at her food, and pushed it across the table in order to clean up the ring of liquid that had gathered around the bottom of her plate.

"Jane…Where are you?" Jane stopped moving, her muscles tensed.

"Maura?" Jane's eyes blankly searched the empty chair in front of her for answers. There was a long silence. Then an exasperated breath. Then words.

"Yes Jane. It's me…" A pause again. Then, "It's almost 3 in the morning. Where could you possibly be right now?"

"Some 24 hour Diner. I spilled coffee on my salad…"

Maura sighed, her breath loud through the phone, and Jane could picture her hand rubbing exhausted eyes.

"Jane, go home. You have to work tomorrow."

"I'm calling in sick."

Another silence. Maura was never so quite. She was always talking, spewing words that only belonged in a dictionary.

"I am taking a week off. Maybe more… Go home Jane. Sleep. Good night Jane." Then Jane's phone line was dead.

"Maura…"

Jane stared at her phone. Call ended. Then the light went out and it was black. Her eyes next moved to her soupy salad and almost empty coffee mug. Nothing could have been more unappetizing. She ran her long fingers through her flattened hair, shaking the strands in frustration. Tossing a $20 on the table, Jane stood and left.

Over an hour of stoplights, glaring headlights, and echoing honks passed before Jane finally arrived home. Why had she driven so far out to begin with? The red numbers on her car clock flashed 4:27.

Jane held her breath when she eventually stood outside the front door to her apartment. Everyone was asleep. It was so quiet. Jane simply stood and listened to the silence.

Nothing unnerved Jane like silence. She was a loud and boisterous being, whose tendencies carried through every aspect of her life. When she was alone in her apartment, there was always some form on noise – be it the news or radio in the background, or Jane's bad habit of talking to herself or Jo Friday. Jane thrived in the sounds. Without some noise echoing off her walls, Jane felt as if she might disappear. The sounds were a reassurance of her existence – that she was in fact experiencing life.

A muted shuffling sound came from inside Jane's apartment. Even as she told herself it was just Jo Friday, that she was being foolish, her heartbeat increased. Maura's face was all Jane could think of as she breathed out and pushed open her front door and flicked on the lights. Nothing. Of course she wasn't here. Of course Maura was in her own home, in her own bed. It was after 4 in the morning, after all.

And then there was the tiny detail that Jane had shot her father.

Jane had never felt so lost before. Maura was like her own personal North Star, a bright guiding light. Without that light Jane's nights were black and lonely. Jane stood in the doorway and quietly closed the door behind her. Jo Friday picked her scruffy little head off her paws and stared unblinkingly at Jane, then returned to sleeping position. Leaning against the door, Jane closed her eyes to avoid facing her empty apartment. It was so goddamn quiet – only the occasional roar of the heater had the courtesy to disrupt the silence. Sliding her back along the door, Jane sat on the floor. Her couch, which would have taken three steps to reach, seemed so far away. Everything seemed so far away. Her whole life seemed to have stopped and vanished. Jane slumped forward,  
>cradling her head in her hands, still fighting the vulnerability of emotions. Of thinking.<p>

***

Jane's alarm rang through her apartment, finally reaching her ears. _Why is it so far away?_ She sat up and looked at her surroundings, confused. Everything was familiar, yet she didn't understand where she was waking up. When she attempted to stretch her arms above her head, a hard wooden surface collided with her body. She realized she had fallen asleep against her front door. Her alarm still rang through the closed door to her bedroom. Unable, or unwilling, to stand, Jane crawled to her bedroom. She groaned as the noise became instantly louder the moment she opened the door. 6:00 AM. Hitting the off button, Jane simultaneously climbed onto her bed.

Jane began unbuttoning her pants with one hand, crawling under her comforter in her shirt and underpants. Just before slipping back into black unconsciousness, Jane wondered if she should visit Maura. Her question, however, remained unanswered. Jane quickly fell into a restless sleep.

***

The daylight was untelling as Jane tried to guess at how long she had slept. She imagined that her nap had lasted several hours longer than intended, but she didn't feel rested at all. A knot had developed between her shoulders from her quality time spent with the door, so she stood attempting to stretch out her back. Forgoing the effort of pants, Jane emerged from her bedroom in her underwear, a terribly wrinkled button up shirt, and her hair standing on end from static electricity. Tying her hair back, Jane walked automatically to the coffee machine. The machine was on a self timer to brew at 6:30 each morning, so Jane dumped the old, lukewarm coffee down the sink. There was a whole shelf dedicated to the multitude of unopened packages of gourmet coffee Maura had given to Jane. She pushed her usual brew aside, and searched for a more sophisticated flavor; a more Maura flavor.

Once the coffee began to brew, Jane remembered her lack of dinner. Or rather, her stomach reminded her through a painful twisting sensation as it echoed off her tile floor. Jane rubbed her eye with the back of her hand; not remembering she hadn't had time to remove her mascara as flaked of it fell down her face. Jane's eyelashes were naturally light and thin. Without the black paint they were invisible. Maura had shown Jane exactly what type of mascara would fit her eyes.

Eyes still blurry from sleep, Jane opened her refrigerator and squinted into the light. She didn't remember making a salad. Ever.

Jane pulled out a plate full of greens covered neatly in plastic wrap and stared at it skeptically. This was not something she would ever spend time making, as the different shades of green leaves were mixed precisely and little cucumber triangles were spread around the edge of the plate like a lace embellishment. Looking back at the shelf where this uncharacteristic entre had come from, Jane noticed a folded piece of lined paper with her name scrawled elegantly across it.

Putting the plate down on the counter without moving her eyes from the paper, Jane recognized the handwriting. _Maura. _Jane opened the note, unsure of what to expect. If Maura had taken the time to write her hatred down on a note, Jane knew it was real. That she couldn't do anything but wait and hope. If Maura had written down that she didn't want to see Jane again, she knew she could only nod in submission.

_Sorry about your salad and coffee fiasco, but I approve of your healthy change in eating habits. I hope this will suffice for your ruined dinner.  
>-Maura<em>

Jane stood, dumbfounded, in the middle of her kitchen. For a moment she didn't dare move, like she might break the fragile alternate universe she had woken up in, where Maura had been at Jane's house. Where Maura seemed to still care for her sad excuse of friendship_. _Even after...

Then all at once, Jane realized how late she had slept. She had glanced at the time on a few different occasions since she had awoken, but it never registered exactly how long she had slept.

"Goddamnit Jo! Its almost 2 in the afternoon!" Jane called as she ran from the kitchen.

Quickly changing out of yesterday's dirty and rank clothes, Jane threw on a pair of jeans and a black button up top. Normally she would wear just a ratty Baseball jersey, but for some reason that didn't feel appropriate. She wanted to visit Maura. To understand what her friend was thinking. To find out where their relationship stood. Jane didn't bother looking for socks, and just put her shoes on over her bare feet. A last minute glance in the mirror, however, stopped Jane in her tracks.

"Really?" Jane hunched her shoulders in exaggerated anguish and nearly stomped her foot in a temper tantrum.

Black smudges coated the skin beneath both of her eyes from yesterday's makeup and her hair looked as if it had been washed in the murky waters of the Everglades. Jane slammed her palm against the wall next to her mirror as she slowly began undressing again. She absolutely had to shower.


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry this chapter took so long to get up! I had a whole different chapter written up and at the last minute decided it didn't fit. Hopefully this will be worth the bit of a wait though...**

Jane poured a massive amount of purple tinted shampoo into the palm of her hand. Strings of soap dripped from the sides of her hands, reaching the bottom of the shower, instantly making the hard surface slippery. Shrugging slightly she moved the overflowing glob down on top of her hair and massaged her scalp, trying to make quick work of cleaning her hair. Suds grew into large piles atop her head, causing the lavender scented shampoo to drip down her face and into her eyes. Jane growled as she squeezed her eyes tight. It stung. Her brain honed in on the physical burning the soap had caused in her eyes. It was a nice distraction from the emotional stinging.

"How can something that smells so good hurt so goddamn much?" Jane mumbled into her hands as she moved her face under the spray of the water. The quiet complaint mixed with the constant hiss of hot water running through pipes. Her voice was small but rough, like individual grains of sand stuck between two panes of glass. As Jane moved her head under the constant spray of water, it washed away the soap from her eyes along with the little remaining sound of her voice as the water hit the hard tile walls of her shower. At least it wasn't silent.

Jane sighed rinsing out her hair, and finished in the shower. Anxious to carry out her impulsive plan to visit Maura, Jane jutted her limbs through quickly dampening clothes, forgetting the full effect of a towel. Moving out of her bathroom, Jane made her way back to the main room of the small apartment. The salad she had left uncovered and sitting on her counter had wilted slightly and the cucumbers had begun to dry out. Remembering that she hadn't eaten in a reasonable amount of time, Jane grabbed an apple either Maura or her mother had placed in a nearly empty fruit basket she didn't know she had.

Through the juicy crunches of the apple, Jane knelt down, addressing her dog. "Jo! Wanna go see your buddy Bass? Cause I know I wanna see Maura!"

Keys and leash in one hand, half-eaten apple in the other, Jane struggled with the door handle. For the second time that day, Jane left a pot of coffee untouched on the counter.

Jo Friday sat in the passenger seat of Jane's car, her little paws resting on the door as she stretched her nose towards the cracked window, attempting to breathe in all the terrible pollution the city offered. The wind from the little open window caused strands of Jane's hair to fly around her face. She was sure it would be frizzy and tangled by the time she arrived at Maura's house, but she didn't care. Jo was happy smelling the …roses… and the wind which provided proof of the outside world's existence. The world which Jane had forgotten how to be a part of in just under a 24 hour span of time. Looking at Jo's tail swinging back and forth happily, Jane threw a free hand in the air like a true Italian and blurted, "To hell with it!" then rolled down all four windows of her car. Wind whipped around her like a whirlwind, dark hair dangerously obstructing her view of the road. She held it back with one hand as she steered her car with the other. The sound of the wind rushing past the open windows made everything else in the world inaudible.

By the time Jane arrived at Maura's house, her hair was piled on top her hair in a big floppy mess. She was sure this was the closest her hair had come to the name, "rat's nest", her mother had given the knotted mass of hair one morning while attempting to brush through it. Sighing in slight annoyance, Jane checked both her wrists then all compartments of her car for a hair tie. Of course she didn't have one. Gesturing wildly, Jane moaned in frustration before roughly running her hands through the tangles.

"Really?"

She was suddenly very aware of her frizzy hair and still damp, oversized clothes. It was like the awkward stages of Roly Poly Rizzoli all over again.

"Come on Jo. I'm here now…" Jane said, looking at her companion square in the eyes, before grabbing the edge of her leash and leading the dog through the driver's side door.

Maura stood hiding behind her curtains. She had seen Jane pull up, and watched her silently gesticulate inside the car parked just outside her house. From behind the window, Maura could see Jane's every move, sure that Jane couldn't see her. She couldn't take her eyes off her friend, surveying Jane in strict detail like a specimen for a science experiment. Maura could see Jane leave her car, pulling Jo behind her on a leash. Maura could see Jane pause and lean against her car door, then cover her head in her hands. Maura could see each puff of normally shiny hair fall in front of her face not like a curtain, but tuffs of cotton candy. Maura could see Jane shake her head slightly before raising it to look directly at the window Maura was standing behind. Maura could see Jane slam an open hand on the top of her car before opening the door again, pulling Jo behind her as she sat back in the driver's seat.

Quickly closing the car door behind her, Jane's fingers shook as she fought to move her keys to the ignition. She paused, raising her hands to look at them. The smooth surface of the back of her hands was tainted with a mound of scar tissue, which became blurry in her eyesight due to the uncontrollable shaking of her hands. Jane curled her fingers in, still clutching her keys in one hand, in a feeble attempt to stop the involuntary shaking. Sharp fingernails and metal edges of the keys were buried deep in the flesh of her palm as she fought to tighten her fists.

A sharp tap came from the window of the passenger seat breaking the tense silence which had settled in the confines of Jane's car, causing Jo to jump towards the outside world, startled and barking. Maura's face hovered just outside the glass behind her hand resting on the window, waiting and emotionless. Jane flexed her fingers, spreading her hands wide open and dropping her keys, silently begging the tremors which had suddenly increased, to stop. Quickly, she moved to open her door and face her fear, her only weakness, her best friend.

Maura straightened her posture, rigid and proper. Jane stood on the other side of her little car, enveloped between the inside of the door resting against the back of her legs, and the frame, which she leaned against weakly. Over the top of her car, Jane searched Maura's face. There were bags under her eyes mirroring those Jane was sure she had developed from the night before. Maura's expression was frigid – frozen into place without the slightest hint of any emotion. The woman standing before Jane was an imposter.

Maura met Jane's searching eyes in a suddenly piercing stare. The muscles of her face contorted momentarily before she spoke.

"Jane. You don't get to leave. You don't get to just drive away."


	3. Chapter 3

The sun had started to slip behind the line where earth met sky. Each minute that passed the sky grew exponentially darker, as if the shade of night itself had been mixed into the blue pigment which painted the sky. A slowly disappearing beam of light ran along the invisible horizon causing a glow behind the darkening silhouette of the city. Maura held her piercing stare into Jane, mouth drawn into a tight line preventing any hint of emotion.

"You don't get to just walk away from me. You don't get to decide my fate anymore."

Maura watched from behind the shelter of her frigid exterior as Jane winced at her comment. She had no doubt that Jane was fighting back her natural urge to fling back a sarcastic argument accompanied with the expression of her whole body jerking in gesture. Whatever Jane was not so carefully hiding from her, Maura wanted to know. She tilted her head up, eyebrows raised and perfectly styled hair falling off of her shoulder behind her back. Jane closed her eyes, temporarily unable to meet Maura's harsh stare. Those words stung, just as Maura had meant them to.

Though they stood close and looked deep into the other's eyes, Jane and Maura were worlds apart. Separated by the seemingly massive chunk of metal between them, neither woman could feel or hear the presence of the other. They could only see it. Silence thickened the air between them. Neither Jane nor Maura were willing to speak, breaking the fragile state they had found themselves in. The amount of time they had spent silently staring at each other had trudged tirelessly on, stretching much longer than either would like to acknowledge. It wasn't awkward, the silence - it was tense, dangerous, and almost deadly. They didn't dare move or break eye contact.

Jo Friday crawled back out onto the street as Jane and Maura stood in their own personal interpretation of a western standoff. Not even the little dog's incessant tugging at the leash could attract any of Jane's attention. Maura stood on her tiptoes, lacking the heels of shoes due to the infuriated frenzy she had left her house in moments ago. She wanted to be taller – to be eye-level as she was looking straight into Jane's pained face. Maura could see some reactionary expressions crash across Jane's face. No doubt she was attempting to find the best way to respond to Maura's angry words. Behind the protection of her car where Maura couldn't see, Jane ran her fingers across her scars in an attempt to calm her nerves.

As day finally slipped into night, the porch light of Maura's house shone suddenly, slashing through the darkness startling both women back into action. Jane flinched as if she was brought back from some unconscious state. The artificial light caused Jane's face to turn a pasty white in the direct light, and created a menacing halo-like glow around the contours of Maura's hair. All the rest of the world was dark, invisible to the two women.

Feet heavy as if she were walking to her slow execution, Jane walked towards Maura. Of course Jane would be the first to move. Maura had been waiting to see what Jane would finally do. Jane had always been one for action – she was like a wildfire burning through a forest of pensive trees with ease. Though this movement was more like a weak flame, reaching out in search of a stray twig of hope. She seemed almost defeated already.

In the darkness Jane had made her way around the car and walked towards where Maura stood still – the image of a perfect Da Vinci statue. She watched every movement with intense concentration. Maura's frigid armor was only reinforced with anticipation of whatever thoughts Jane would spew through her impulsive mouth.

Jane reached her free hand up, running it through the fluffy tangles of her unnaturally big hair. Looking down in slight embarrassment, she laughed nervously. Then she looked back to Maura, their eyes meeting just a small space apart. She had seemed to finally have decided on a plan of action.

"Can I borrow a hair tie?"

Maura was taken aback. Was Jane joking? Now of all times!

"Excuse me?"

"The wind… and I don't have a hair tie in my car. Do you think I could use one of yours?"

Maura squinted in the darkness, her mind running through all sorts of responses at warp speed. This insignificant topic of conversation had been so unexpected. Looking down at her bare feet against the cold cement, Maura frowned. She had been in such a rush just to make sure Jane didn't leave, but she was suddenly unsure that she wanted to talk to Jane at all. Not like this at least. There was too much hanging between them, suspended on a small tightrope, teetering from left to right trying to regain balance. And Jane asks for a hair tie.

Moving her attention back to Jane, Maura was met with sad eyes.

"That used to be such an easy question to answer…"

Jane's hand was still buried in her hair, holding it away from her face, and for some reason that swayed Maura.

"Yes… Yes, of course you can use a hair tie. Come inside."

More to herself than Jane Maura quietly continued, as if to justify letting Jane into her home, "My feet are getting cold anyway. The temperature of the cement has dropped significantly since the sun set."

It suddenly seemed so perfect - that Jane would so carefully break the walls they had each silently built with something so insignificant. There was so much to be said, but over the top of Jane's car, in the street in front of Maura's house, in the haunting glow of her streetlight was not the right place. Turning her back, Maura walked to her front door, watching with rapt disinterest as the door grew closer. She was unbelievably nervous to allow Jane into her home again, and couldn't wait for both of them to finally be inside. So many times they had entered this door together, so many times she had opened this door to Jane letting her inside. But this time felt like the first time they were to cross this threshold. All for the sake of a hair tie, and all of its implications.

Pausing with her hand on the doorknob, Maura took a calming breath. Instant-meditation at its finest. Looking over her shoulder and through a thin screen of hair she caught Jane's eye, each unsmiling, but sharing the nervous excitement. It seemed that so much rested on the opening of this door.

And in one quick movement Maura had turned the knob and they found themselves inside.

Maura disappeared into her bathroom momentarily, before returning with a black hair tie in her fingers. Jane stood waiting in the kitchen, accompanied by a half empty bottle of wine and a single glass Maura had been using just a few minutes before Jane arrived. Walking around to the other side of the counter Jane stood on, Maura dropped the hair tie between them. She had to avoid the simple brush of their fingers that was guaranteed if she had simply handed the small object to Jane. Physical contact would be too much. They might break.

Consumed by her thoughts, Maura didn't register Jane's movements until her hair was already restrained in a terribly messy bun drooping less than slightly to the left. There they stood, a reflection of their previous stare down, counter separating them as Jane's car had moments ago. The silence was so much more uncomfortable in the tight confines of Maura's home. Both Jane and Maura began to fiddle with loose pieces of clothing in an attempt to suspend the awkward feeling.

Communication had been whittled down to looks and body language. Running a finger along her jaw line or moving her eyes around the room avoiding Maura's scrutiny completely, Jane was obviously nervous. Maura couldn't help but smile – even if sadly – as she read the signs of Jane's movements, much like a cop and a suspect. How ironic.

Maura had once been so in tune with Jane's emotions and thoughts. It was a gift she seemed to had forgotten in their evening so far. She was thrilled that she could suddenly sense a change in Jane's current attitude. Leaning forward, lips poised to speak, Jane finally looked at Maura. Her hands formed tight fists and her back was just noticeably straighter as a flame of determination burned her nervousness to a small pile of ashes. Maura studied Jane's face in anticipation, trying to prepare herself for what was coming. Jane took a deep breath then trudged forward with her line of thinking.

"Maura, I'm being very careful here. Me. I'm not careful with my words. But I am so nervous I'll say the wrong thing, make this even worse, hurt you even more. And I can't do that. So I'm being very careful here."

Hesitantly scrutinizing Jane's face for evidence, Maura wanted so badly to believe it was the honest truth. Jane's voice had been strong but slow, each phrase measured out before leaving her mouth. Her eyes begged not for forgiveness, love, or even respect, but for belief. Slowly Maura nodded her acceptance. She didn't smile, didn't lose her protective shell, but her eyes – they softened.

"Thank you Jane. I assumed you would treat me similar to the hasty annoyance you often treat your mother with. Which is why I normally refrain from assuming such things…" Maura sighed and looked at her hands resting politely together in her lap, before looking back to Jane's face. The soft, hopeful smile she found looking at her made Maura feel comfortable. Despite all.

"No Maura. I wouldn't…" Jane reached out across the counter to rub a comforting hand along Maura's arm, but stopped abruptly. Both their eyes studied Jane's static hand. Jane's hand floated between the two women, suspended in mid air, unsure of which path to take.

"I wouldn't treat you, this pain I've caused you, with anything less than the importance you deserve." It began moving again as her words lingered in the air, attempting to hide just how unsure she was. Slowly, Jane's hand rested on the countertop of Maura's island and paused before it slid across it back towards Jane's body.

And that was too much. Maura's carefully prepared container which cradled her fragile emotions shattered. Watching Jane's hand slink away caused a raging pain in her stomach, twisting in anger, confusion, and fear. Clutching her stomach, Maura spun around and leaned against the counter. Her back facing Jane, Maura doubled over and squeezed her eyes shut in a battle to lessen the pain burning in her gut.

"Maur?"

She heard a quiet whisper behind her. Jane was still there. Maura took a deep breath. Her lungs quivered in emotion. Her whole body quivered in emotion. Again Jane said her name, increased in both volume and concern when Maura didn't answer the first time. Trying to control her cracking voice, not letting a growing sob escape yet, Maura quietly cleared her throat.

"I think you should go now."

No movement came from behind Maura. She was met with complete silence. Again she breathed deeply, attempting to calm her sudden eruption of emotion. Every muscle in her body shook as she remained folded at her stomach, arms clutching her core, as if trying to physically keep her body from falling apart.

"Jane…" Her voice cracked as she said the name. "I need you to leave. I want…" There it was. The inventible sob clawed its way through Maura's weakened guard, echoing off the ground she was facing. She didn't want Jane to see her like this – so broken, so hurt. Maura remained bent over, gasping loudly as she heard a shuffling behind her.

"Okay Maura. But I'm not leaving forever. I'll be back."


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you all for the reviews and favorites and such. I'm surprised and flattered by how many people are reading this! I've finally worked all the details out in my mind. Meaning I now have an absolute direction and plan. So from here on out the updates should begin to reveal more secrets of these motives/emotions etc.  
>Ooh, I sound so sneaky when I say it like that. <strong>

Jane stood in the darkness, instantly regretting how easily she had left Maura's side. She had come here to fight, to win back the friendship she so dearly treasured! Leaning against the hard outside of Maura's front door, Jane weakly begged for some link to Maura. The door was cold against her skin; the night had removed all warmth from the world. Through the barrier Jane could hear Maura's sobs, quiet and muffled yet the single haunting sound which Jane tortured herself with.

Maura untangled herself from the near fetal position she had found herself in and stood tentatively, as if testing her weight on thin ice. Sure her legs would buckle beneath her and she would fall to the ground, Maura moved trembling hands to grip to the counter behind her. Fingers curled and tightly clung to the small lip of the marble countertop as she fought to remain standing. Arching the muscles of her back and extending her face towards the heavens, as if some message would become clear, Maura forced herself to drift quietly along the river of her emotions, holding onto whatever flood of pain she could. Tears ran along her cheeks in imperfect trails, some straying to drip off her nose while others moved to moisten her lips. Her tongue moved slowly along her lips to stop the tickle of the saltwater dripping along them. A deep gasping breath of air shook Maura's tense body as if sucking every measly bit of energy from her, before shoving it into the empty air with her deliberate, steady exhale.

A breeze swept through Jane's restricted hair, just cold enough to make her nose tingle. Jo Friday stood at Jane's feet, blissfully unaware of why it was so quickly time to return home. She climbed her front two paws up Jane's leg with a quiet whine, begging for attention. Opening her eyes slowly Jane looked down at her unfittingly cheerful companion. It seemed cruel not to give the little creature what it wanted – just that little bit of love and attention which any living being craved. With great effort, as if she had suddenly become magnetized to the door, Jane pulled herself away from its strong support. She could no longer hear Maura's soft sobs she separated from the wood of the door.

"Jo, what do I do?" Jane asked hopelessly, her voice loud and echoing in the quiet night air.

Lowering herself Jane sat on the steps, her back resting heavily against Maura's front door, and scratched absentmindedly behind the scruffy dog's ears. The porch light just above her head cast yellow shapes across the manicured lawn, a strong contrast to the blue darkness of the night which consumed the world around Jane.

"She asked me to leave. And I can only do what she wants… I don't have any right to ask for anything more." Jane mused to the night as her eyes stared blankly ahead, looking through any physical presence before her to a place where only memory existed. Jane didn't know what hurt her more: the hatred Maura had momentarily launched directly at Jane's heart like a poison arrow, or the full extent of knowing exactly how badly she had hurt Maura. She could see Maura's face and the crude emotion which had sized control her best friend's features.

"But I want to do so much more. I would do anything to get her back – to make her trust me again."

Jane picked up Jo Friday delicately and placed the little dog in the cradle between her closed thighs and stomach. The silence of the night grew heavier the longer Jane sat, simply stroking the tangled pile of fur resting on her lap. Wandering through the labyrinth of emotion and thought, Jane attempted to make sense of her situation. She rested her head back against the hard door behind her as if to brace herself. She had yet to cry.

Maura was her best friend, her only true friend. Jane would do everything in her power to return to exactly the way things were. She would fight a dragon, find the Holy Grail, turn time back. Jane would do any imaginable task in order to know Maura again. Because she wouldn't be able to live without the companionship and love that Maura provided. But more than that, she wouldn't survive without Maura herself. Any way Jane could selfishly keep her slipping grasp of Maura, she would.

"I really fucked it up this time!" Jane erupted in that terrible baby voice which seems to always excite little dogs, as she roughly teased the fur on Jo Friday's back. She smiled weakly as Jo Friday jumped up Jane's chest and gave her naïve doggy kisses all over her cheek.

"Yeah, you heard me Jo! I fucked up like I've never fucked up before!"

Jane continued in her half-hearted puppy talk as she moved to pick up the little dog's leash before standing up. She had no idea how long she had stayed on Maura's porch, but she was sure it was longer than she was welcome to.

Jane paused before starting her death march down the dimly lit path towards her car. Cautiously, she placed her ear back on the door, searching the quiet for any signs of Maura's wellbeing. She was met with only silence. There were no more sobs, gasps of breath, or hiccups of tears coming from the other side of the door. Lingering a moment longer, Jane listened for any movement, but there was nothing. Only silence clouded her senses as she grasped desperately for one last verification of Maura's presence. It was a heavy, empty, and deafening silence.

Letting out the breath she had so carefully been holding hostage inside her lungs, Jane moved to rest her forehead against the cold door in a self pitying moment of defeat. Then she heard the faintest whisper of words.

"Why must you insist on making my life so hard?"

The words were so quiet, whisked away with the breeze like soft seeds of a dandelion weed before Jane could even move to capture and pull them toward her heart. They came mere centimeters from where Jane's head rested, yet from another world entirely as the door so unashamedly separated the two women.

"Maura?" Jane whispered, turning her ear again to listen for a response.

But no sound came. She didn't hear Maura walk away from the door, nor did she hear Maura breathing behind it. Jane had even begun to doubt the question, which had seeped so slowly and quietly between the cracks of the door, was even spoken.

But goddamn it, Jane is a woman of action! She consists of adrenalin and impulse!

"Maura," Jane called again, louder this time. Surely if Maura was anywhere near the door she would hear Jane's voice. Maura would recognize and diagnose the hurt, concern, regret and every other emotion which was mixed in the lethal cocktail Jane was drowning herself in.

The silence only tightened around Jane as time drew on. Like a noose being pulled tauntingly slowly.

"Jane…" Maura's hushed voice met the cold air outside as she reached out yet again.

"Jane, you are the most important person in my life….I love you. I just need time. I'm confused."

"Maura, I love you too. You're my best friend. I'll always be here, fighting for our friendship no matter how long you need to take."

Moving both her hands to rest against the wood she was talking through, Jane needed to feel closer than this goddamn door would allow. Jo Friday yipped cheerfully, completely unaware of the double sided sword that had just impaled both Jane and Maura. Jane could hear Maura sniff quietly, before an explosive sob crashed through all barriers and hit Jane. The sound was physically painful; Jane could feel her heart twisting itself into a mass of muscle, unable to function properly. How she wished she could hear Maura tell her how absurd that was.

"Really Jane…" Maura cringed at the brokenness of her voice as she said the name. "I need to think. Your presence only makes this harder for me."

"Alright Maura. I'm going back to work tomorrow. I'll talk to you when I'm done. Just don't…shut me out." Jane begged, her voice growing louder with each word as she walked slowly backwards, reluctantly distancing herself from the biggest blessing of her life. Nodding her head matter-of-factly, Jane could feel the tears bubbling up from the crevasses of her chest and fighting their way to the open world. Abruptly, she turned and walked as quickly as her lanky legs would let her back to the armor of her car. Jo Friday trotted happily alongside.

Maura heard Jane's car engine start, and only then did the emotion crash its full force on her trembling little body. The single knot which had tied back the grotesque wrath of her heartbreak was instantly undone with a slight tug. She no longer had any reason to talk, or to listen. She couldn't even contemplate or evaluate. The pain was beyond that. To feel was the only thing left for Maura to do in that moment.


	5. Chapter 5

**I should probably apologize indefinitely for my delays between posts. Because I'm apparently incapable of actually updating at a reasonable time span... Also, I'm finally figuring out this site, so I will start responding to reviews and such. Because yes, it has taken me this long to understand how to do that. Anyways. As always, thanks for reading and whatever feedback! Its nice to hear what you think! Now...shall we get to it?**

Her brain seemed to have deflated overnight. Jane lay in her bed, arms twisted haphazardly in the worn cotton sheets as her phone hollered aggressively into the darkness. The noise woke her up – no doubt about that- but it didn't register as the screeching became silent. Staring at the plaster shapes on her ceiling, she knew another call from her partner was coming. Jane really did not want to go back to work today.

"Rizzoli" She answered this time, her voice gruff from the weight of the morning.

"Jane, we've got a body. But –"

"Alright, I'll be in soon."

"Jane, listen! I need to tell you –"

"Just tell me when I get there. Later Korsak."

Groaning loudly, Jane tossed her phone towards the foot of her bed and brought her hands up to her face. Rubbing her eyes roughly, she gave herself the gift of a few minutes of simply doing nothing at all. She lay on her bed, long hands covering her puffy morning face before suddenly sitting up and smacking her dry lips together. Jane really REALLY did not want to go back to work today.

And the cold shower did nothing to diminish Jane's dread.

Walking towards the location of Boston's most recent murder, Jane paused - two cups of coffee in hand.

Two coffees?

Jane moved both her hands out and studied the two to-go cups, as if surprised at the sudden appearance of the two beverages. The plan had been to avoid the café once back at the precinct – therefore avoiding both her mother and the lack of her normal breakfast routine with Maura. But as Jane stopped by a local coffee shop to pick up her own coffee, she had subconsciously ordered one for Maura as well. It was going to be a long day working without her best friend.

The room of the crime scene smelled of rancid Chinese take-out, though not a single carton of food was in sight. And the smell only became stronger the deeper into the room Jane ventured.

"Good God almighty! It smells like Chinatown exploded in here!" Jane hollered, entering a dark and incredibly cluttered apartment. She brought a forearm up to cover her scrunched nose.

"Good morning to you too, sunshine." Korsak chuckled as he eyed the obviously grumpy Jane Rizzoli. His attention was quickly directed towards the extra cup of coffee in her hand. "I see you come bearing gifts … or a gift." A cheery aging face framed by white hair nodded towards the cup, eyes greedy. Frost spun around immediately, the coffee obviously more important than the pile of trash he had been examining. It was like the fountain of life for these detectives.

"Both for me. I'm going to be needing all like caffeine I can get today" Jane retorted with a decisive nod of her head. She really didn't want to choose between giving Maura's coffee to her old or new partner. She moved her attention to the cups in front of her. Coffee always smells delicious.

In a balancing act of the two coffees, Jane struggled to remove the black lid of one, craving the smell of Maura's coffee to cleanse her nostrils. Wrinkles formed across her nose as she scrunched it in concentration. The rancid orange chicken smell was truly sickening. The paper cup jerked dangerously as the lid popped forcefully off and fell to the ground, spraying the dark brown liquid down the front of her light blue button – up shirt.

"Shit! …Why does all coffee suddenly have such a vendetta against me?" This was one of her nicer shirts too. That goddamned second cup of coffee.

Frost watched with guarded amusement. A string of murmured curses poured out of Jane's mouth as she looked helplessly at her wet clothing.

"This is your own fault. You could have just given it to me and avoided this mess." He teased, turning nonchalantly back to the piles of trash. Jane made angry mocking faces before turning her attention to the old man leaning over Maura's usual position above the peaceful, bloodless body.

"Hey! Got a cause of death yet?" Jane nearly yelled, exasperatedly shoving her nose over the open coffee's steam. The Chinese compost smell was even overpowering the smell of death. The coffee smelled of cinnamon. And if she thought hard enough, even a little like Maura.

"If I were to guess I would say heart attack. I don't even know why I was called here. This is obviously a medical case rather than a homicide. It is way too early in the morning to be acceptable, and there wasn't even a sign of robbery or forced entry."

"Why don't you leave the detecting to the detectives, and go figure out what actually killed this guy rather than this speculation?"

The old man stood up and faced the seething wild-haired detective, placing both hands on his hips much like an exasperated mother addressing a hissy-fit throwing toddler. Jane didn't like it one bit.

"Detective Rizzoli, I don't even know why you are here. I heard you were supposed to be put on desk duty while the Mob boss situation was being put to rest. Apparently no one bothered to notify you or your partners. Shame I'll have to kick you out of my crime scene though. Goddamn rookie guards letting in anyone with a shiny badge – no respect for the list of admittance what-so-ever!"

Jane's eyed narrowed at the old M.E., trying to convince herself to not make some crack at his shiny bald head or the apparent early onset of alzheimer's, before her eyes grew wide. She was a detective after all, and when details added up…

"Korsak! What were you going to tell me this morning?" She spun on her heels to face the cowering older detective. Her arms were splayed wide as if waiting for a blow to the face, taunting her opponent with a defenseless body. Korsak looked with sympathy at Jane, knowing that this might be the breaking of the camel's back.

"What he said, Jane. Cavanaugh put you on desk duty till this whole thing is sorted out."

Jane looked from Korsak to Frost, giving each a dirty glare, before holding up the two coffees in each hand. Between clenched teeth and narrowed eyes, Jane whispered, "How dare you even ask for these, knowing that!" Then she was out the door and out into fresh air.

Paddy Doyle had yet to die. He was still living, thriving even, in the care of the hospital he found himself held custody in. Jane knew it wasn't part of any plan - to have Doyle survive yet cuffed to his hospital bed with armed officers standing guard outside his door. But it sure as hell worked in her favor. Word had spread around the precinct the moment that the mob boss regained consciousness, much like a tsunami spreads through every hidden corner of a city. Jane was just glad that Maura wasn't working and didn't have to hear the excited whispers.

In the past few hours of the day, Jane's pile of paperwork had hardly been touched. Her pen drawe, however, had been organized in three different fashions, and the surface of her desk rid of all clutter and rearranged for ideal working situations. There was hardly any more excuse for procrastination left.

"Frost! I'm going to go see Doyle – maybe figure out how he knew where we were going to be." Jane hollered across the room towards her younger partner's desk.

"Alright. You might want to tell Maura he woke up. She seemed pretty upset when you shot him…" the younger detective muttered through half-attentive words as his eyes scanned the details of their latest case. The computer screen in front of his eyes flashed quickly through scans of hand written documents, assuring Jane that it was in fact a homicide, and not a heart attack. Jane couldn't help but quickly wonder what exactly the case was. But her partner's half-aware utterance took priority in her brain. Those words hurt.

"Yeah…maybe." Was all Jane could think to respond as she grabbed her boxy, oversized blazer which was hanging off the back of her chair, before briskly walking towards the front doors of the building.

All she really wanted to do was see Maura. Jane didn't want to see Doyle at all. But she had to – she didn't know why, but she had some sort of feeling. One of those gut feelings that Maura once so affectionately scoffed at. After all, intestines were never apt at being psychic; that was simply an insane notion.

The detective stood outside Doyle's doorway, back to the officers standing guard on either side of the door, trying to figure out what exactly she was going to say to the father of her best friend, who she just happened to have shot and almost killed. It was a daunting task.

"What are you doing here?"

Jane spun around on her heels at the sound of the voice coming from behind her. Standing in the doorway of Paddy Doyle's hospital room was one Dr. Maura Isles.

"I was…uh… just checking up I suppose." Jane fidgeted with her golden badge which rested on her hip, moving a glaring reflection of light across the ceiling.

"Well he has just fallen asleep. I suggest you return at some other time."

Jane knew how Maura could compartmentalize and remove all emotion from conversations. She had witnessed it many times, but as this defense tactic was aimed at her, Jane suddenly realized just how brutal it was. A punch to the face, re-breaking her nose in multiple places would be a much more bearable pain of only Maura would be there to reset her broken bones, warm fingers tracing delicately across her broken appendage.

Maura looked as if she were living life as normally as she ever had. Not a single wrinkle tainted the surface of her silk blue shirt or cropped black pants. Her heels seemed almost taller than normal. Perfectly twisted tresses tumbled down around her face in effortless angelic beauty. But her eyes – they were dull, empty. The cheerful glow which Maura once illuminated every room she walked into had suddenly dimmed, just an ember waiting to be made back into a roaring flame – hanging on for dear life.

Jane, with all her detective's intuitive attention to detail noticed every little thing about the woman standing in front of her. Jane, with her eloquent mastery of the art of words was only able to express any concern by stuttering out, "You look tired."

In the white, extremely white, almost headache inducing white hallway just outside Paddy Doyle's room, Maura's face darkened. She fully stepped just out of the doorway, slowly closing the door behind her until a soft click echoed down the hallways as if it were a catastrophic event. Maura glanced sideways at one of the uniformed officers standing wait next to the door, before quickly looking back to Jane.

"I have good reason to be."

Her voice reflected her eyes. It was hauntingly empty and terrible worn down. Jane's eyes dropped from Maura's face in shame, looking at her fingers which were pulling at the skin around her scars. She had to say something, do something. She had to grab Maura's body and squeeze all the pain out of her, to carry Maura home and lay her on her bed to give her rest, to recite a poem over and over again until Maura would finally sleep to the melodic words. Because it pained Jane so much to see her best friend this way.

But Jane could only stand, looking at her fingers rubbing against little pink scars. Jane had never been so nervous to hurt someone in her life. She sensed movement just before one freshly manicured finger stretched out and rested atop a callused, dirty finger of her own, immediately halting the movements.

"Jane, I'll come back. It might not be exactly the same, but I'll come back." Maura had stepped closer to Jane, a single blue heel echoing down the hallway as it clicked against the tile. Jane's finger burned as Maura's hand moved away to nervously push a blond strand of hair out of her face. "I just need time is all."

"God, Maura. I'd do anything to just take this all away." Maura smiled sadly as Jane paused. "…and have everything return to exactly how it was."

Jane had reached out and placed a hand on Maura's arm as she spoke. This time she didn't dare second guess the movement of comfort. Last time she had stopped, she had broken apart whatever small mending had been done to Maura's heart. The moment Jane's fingers reached the blue, silk-clad shoulder of the woman standing in front of her, Maura's muscles tensed. Jane could see her suck in a quick breath, as if it was the last second before the rising tide finally consumed her whole body and dragged her under water. Whether it was the words or the physical contact Jane didn't know, but Maura melted into a hard chair which lined the hospital hallways. She looked like a flower once so beautiful and full of life, but tragically transformed into withered leaves and wrinkled petals.

"I know you would."

Maura's voice was quiet as if no one but herself was meant to hear the words as her hair fell down to cover her face. Jane could only see a wilted body and trembling hands.

"Maura…." Jane said, standing over Maura. But the seated woman refused to raise her head and look at Jane.

"Why don't we do lunch or something? No implications or hidden agendas. You can just ask me whatever you need to know, and I'll answer the best I can. Because I know you. And you need all the facts before making a decision. Maybe this will help." As Jane spoke, she lowered herself into a chair next to Maura, leaning towards the body of her best friend, but never touching it. She looked at Maura's hands, dancing nervous twists across each other. There was a slow sucking of air followed by a shaky exhale, before Maura turned to look at Jane.

"That sounds nice." Maura seemed to peer into Jane's soul through her eyes before glazing over and looking at nothing at all. "But at one of our houses. I fear we might become embarrassingly emotional."

Jane chuckled and dropped her head to look at the floor. Then she stood, understanding that this conversation was over until tomorrow. Maura needed space today, and she sure as hell looked like she needed sleep. Jane looked down at the woman still sitting in front of her.

"Right, that's probably smart. I'll be at your house when I get off for lunch. Take care of yourself."

"You too, Jane."


	6. Chapter 6

**It's been so long! I apologize! I'm coming close to a super pivotal chapter (spoiler alert I suppose...) so I wanted this one to be as good as possible. Though I'm still not completely sure I like it yet, I figured it was about time I updated. Plus I'm about halfway through the next chapter, so it shouldn't be too long. Reviews and speculations and such are always welcome - it's nice to see what you think. Your thoughts are important to me! =]**

Jane stood vigil on the walkway leading towards Maura's front door. Though she was unmoving, the cool spring air toyed with her dark twisted hair, breaking the image of a solitary stone statue Jane presented. Whatever organs were stuffed inside her torso (of which Maura would name every single one) were twisting against each other in waves of nervous nausea. Her hand moved to hover inches from the door, poised to knock but not quite prepared to finish the task. Jane whispered a quick pep-talk into the empty air.

"Just answer all her questions. Truthfully. She will understand. She has to…"

Jane nodded definitively, as if solidify certainty to her words, before tapping her knuckles gently against the wood door. It took just a few moments before the barrier slowly opened just enough to show Maura's face and the side of her body leaning against the inside of her doorway. Maura's face was cut by the small space between the door and its frame, leaving just the important features of her face visible.

Jane looked through the small space and smiled reassuringly.

"Hey Maura."

"Jane." Maura responded, nodding her head in hello and opening the door further, allowing a full view of her body. Her shoulder remained leaning against the inside doorframe however. Light hair was tied back leaving Maura's weary expression and tired eyes the focal point. Slate blue fabric clung to her body in a simple shirt paired with jeans. Jane had rarely seen Maura so casual outside of exercise wear, and yet she was still much more put together than Jane felt on her best days.

"Are you going to let me in?" Jane asked, her voice laced with both soft teasing and nervous seriousness. A slight frown crumpled her forehead in worry that Maura had changed her mind. Maybe she still wasn't ready to talk yet – it had only been a few days after all. Was it too soon?

"Of course, of course…" Maura shook her head in slight embarrassment at her lack of manners, cleansing Jane of her doubts. She quickly looked over Jane's whole figure before meeting her eyes. "My mind was elsewhere. Please…" Taking a few steps backwards, Maura opened her home to Jane, holding the door gaping wide. Slowly, Jane moved past Maura making sure to avoid any contact with the other woman. Once inside she stopped and stood awkwardly just within the doorway. Standing completely still Jane waited for Maura to close the door behind her and show her the most appropriate place to sit. This was completely new territory for Jane.

Maura glided past Jane towards her living room, a quick brush of the back of her hand along Jane's pants as she walked. Completely subconsciously, Jane's hand moved to rest where Maura's had just momentarily touched, as if to scratch an itch or soothe a burn. Silently, she followed her friend who was walking toward the couch. Maura radiated a sense of resolution, as if she knew already what was going to happen. In confusion, Jane took a seat on the farthest available space from where Maura had settled.

And there they sat for indefinite minutes; on opposite sides of Maura's luxurious couch, both trying to avoid raw eye contact. They were never very good at avoiding eye contact with each other. Maura met Jane's eyes in a startling, splintering stare, demanding Jane's full focus of all her senses. Jane could feel her mouth hanging slightly open, as if unhinged, all chances of cognitive thought seeping out through the hole. Completely frozen in Maura's gaze, Jane was unable to even attempt to interpret what Maura might have been feeling, or to even feel anything herself.

Maura opened her mouth as if to speak. No words were ever spoken however, as Maura continued to look directly at Jane, unwavering. Her hands rested peacefully in her lap and her naked lips were spread into a tight line. Until Maura's tongue slowly slid across them leaving a glistening sheen behind. Maura looked down to Jane's hands which were clinging tightly to the hem of her shirt, bunching the white button-up into a nervous wad.

"Jane…" Maura started, letting the name slip from her lips. Jane felt her heart tighten. She waited in anticipation and dread for the conversation to finally start. "You'll wrinkle your shirt if you keep tugging at it like that."

"It's not nearly as important as your clothes." She looked down at her shirt and detangled her fingers as she spoke. Jane marveled at how sometimes whatever was happening in Maura's mind was completely displayed in open innocence on her face, while other times it was next to impossible to guess what she was thinking. It was infuriating, not knowing, being able to anticipate and adjust accordingly. She was a detective, for god's sake! She should be perfectly able to read Maura's body language at the least. "Anyway, I'm just nervous…"

"I don't mean to make you nervous Jane. I'm simply collecting my thoughts at the moment. I want to approach this as organized and rational as possible." Maura said, finally advancing toward the subject, but not yet breaching the barrier. Determination decorated Maura's voice as she nodded her head in a definitive movement.

"Well, you can take all the time you need. I'm on desk duty, so they won't be missing me much if I just take the rest of the day." Jane muttered sourly.

"Desk duty? Why on earth were you demoted to desk duty? You haven't done anything wrong." Maura added as an afterthought, "Though it may be beneficial, forcing you to work through that stack of paperwork you so effectively avoid."

"When you just happen to, in a random sequence of events, catch the mighty Paddy Doyle while other officers have devoted years to tracking him down, people become suspicious. It's for the best I guess." Jane shrugged, stopping herself before finishing her thought. _Because I've been distracted. I can't function properly, on the job or life in general, when you're mad at me._

Maura tilted her head as if contemplating the validity of the reason for Jane's downgrade. Wisps of light hair fell out of her ponytail and framed her face from the movement. The golden twists lacing her face gave Maura an almost ethereal appearance. "Then I apologize, Jane. I didn't realize you were having a hard time at work. As well as….here"

"Naw." Jane waved off Maura's apology with one of her not so elegant slang terms. "At the moment it's only for 'till next Thursday. Plus, this –" she gestured helplessly in the empty space between herself and Maura, "Is much more important."

"Right. This…" Maura mirrored Jane's movement with a strained smirk, her hand waving across the space between them. It was a strange gesticulation coming from such a poised woman. "I suppose we should go to it then."

"You mean… Get to it?"

"Either way."

"Right. But we are doing such a fabulous job at stalling." Jane shifted into a less rigid and much more comfortable position. No matter how insignificant or fleeting it was, this teasing conversation was a small ray of sunlight pushing its way through a grimy window. Temporary and tainted by the darkness, but a glimmer of hope none-the-less.

"That we are. Speaking of stalling…" Gracefully, Maura stood from the couch and walked towards her kitchen. "When you came in, I was making lunch. And since you're working, you must be hungry. We can talk over a light salad, sandwiches and iced tea." She called over her shoulder. Jane watched Maura glide through her home, as if trying to out-grace whatever ugly tension was held between them.

"Really Maura. Now you're stalling without shame." Chuckling, Jane stood and followed in Maura's footsteps towards the chairs around the island in her immaculate kitchen. Sitting tentatively on the chair opposite from Maura's, the cool counter of the island between them, Jane toyed with a fork next to her overflowing lunch plate. She didn't even look at her food. Instead, Jane watched Maura lift a glass to her lips. But that definitely wasn't iced tea. The color was much too deep and the smell of alcohol much too strong.

Maura closed her eyes and took one more sip, or rather a gulp, before setting the wine back down and looking Jane directly in the eyes.

"At this moment Jane, I don't want any apologies. I don't want you to feel guilty or anything that you might be feeling. I just want to…better understand. I need the facts to process."

"I can avoid apologies. For now. But I will feel guilty no matter what you say. I'm not nearly as good at…" Jane waved her hand in the air, searching for a fitting word. "Compartmentalizing," She smiled briefly in a self-congratulation, "as you are. What you said yesterday is right. We are probably going to be embarrassingly emotional very soon."

Jane watched with interest as Maura seemed to find that funny, attempting to hide her knowing smirk behind another sip of wine.

In stark contrast, Maura's face turned painfully guarded as the glass was removed from obstructing her face.

"Jane…I'm curious. What were you thinking when you shot Doyle? What was going through your mind?"

Slowly, Jane sucked in a deep breath, her cheeks puffing slightly from the pressure before it all whooshed out like an untied balloon being let loose. Looking down at her glass of iced tea, Jane wondered where her wine was. Because she could really use some right about now. She sat still for a few moments, contemplating, before she moved to pick up her tea. She needed time to think – an excuse to think. However, the slippery condensation glazing the outside of the glass coupled with her trembling hands made for a dangerous combination, and Jane decided not to risk it, dreading the sound of crashing glass that was sure to come if she attempted to handle it.

Looking up, Jane watched Maura watching her. Not for the first time she wondered what Maura was thinking, until she remembered she was waiting for Jane to respond.

"I uh…I wasn't." Jane's voice was thick and rough, though it was hardly louder than a meek whisper. She cleared her throat uncomfortably and shifted in her seat before continuing.

"At that point in time, he wasn't your father. He was a dangerous man with a gun. A chaotic element in an already dangerous situation. And I had to gain some control back – there were too many unknowns in that room for anyone to be safe. Especially you. You were out in the open and unprotected. I had to…lower the amount of unknowns."

"You know he wouldn't shoot me. Or you for that matter. No one in that room was going to hurt you or me, save the previously shot fireman. I mean, I don't see the… necessity." Maura's eyes fell to study the dark red wine, and Jane could practically see the gears grinding in her head as she grasped for understanding and answers.

"Maura, it was a knee-jerk reaction. I wasn't thinking about anything except getting some control over my operation. I couldn't have it end up in a disaster." Jane leaned forward, placing her elbows on either side of her untouched salad, cradling her head in her hands. "It did anyway though. It ended in total disaster. Didn't it?" Her voice was muffled by her hands and the dark twists of hair had fallen in front of Jane's face, creating a nearly black barrier around her face.

Jane remembered a painfully vivid image of Maura, leaning over Doyle's body and looking at her with pure, passionate rage. Staying completely still, unable to see Maura's face, she waited for an answer. But she could only hear the slow breathing of the other woman. Nothing more, nothing less. It was a bitter sweet melody, both lulling Jane and putting her on edge. Inhale – _She's still here, she hasn't left me yet. _Exhale – _She hasn't said anything, what is she thinking?_

"I think I understand. Maybe not every detail in its entirety, but I understand the concept of what you are saying. You were just doing your job, you mean?" Maura's words finally came, like a ray of light bursting through heavy, silent clouds. Jane fully lifted her head in optimistic anticipation, looking at Maura with shining eyes.

"Yes. Exactly." It was all Jane could get together in her hopeful bliss. She wasn't quite smiling, but Jane was sure she was beaming regardless. Maura was beginning to understand, and not a single tear had been shed. However, Maura's face remained contorted in contemplation. Dark eyes followed Maura's hand as she finished what little was left of her wine. Jane hadn't even noticed her drinking that much.

"Mmm. I thought it was something like that. Not that I was assuming, just deducing. I don't know what to think about that yet."

"I… I understand that this doesn't fix everything. There is still a lot to work through, and time to spend healing. But Maura, you gotta tell me what you're feeling, what's going on in that busy brain of yours."

"Before we continue, I need more wine." Maura slid off her chair moving with pure grace still holding her empty glass. Slowly, she slipped off her heels, leaving them sitting at the base of the counter. Jane watched Maura shrink a good few inches with conflicting emotion.

"Can I have some of that? Or a beer if you have one?"

"No, Jane. You're driving home after this, which already makes me nervous. Emotional driving is dangerous enough. If you have any alcohol on top of that, I wouldn't want you driving at all."

Maura's voice came from behind an open cabinet door as she reached to grab the bottle of dark wine waiting on a shelf, her face completely covered as she leaned in.

"…I could call a cab."

"No Jane. Plus, you wouldn't like this wine. It is very much an acquired taste."

Maura set her filled wine glass on the counter and gently pushed two untouched plates of greens to the side. Food was a pretense that was no longer needed – for better or worse they were finally talking. Jane glanced at her salad, sitting an arm's length away at the edge of the counter until her eyes seamlessly drifted to the form standing behind it. She watched Maura slowly walk to her seat her face unreadable, but her feet heavy and unwilling.

Once she was perched back on the chair, Maura wrapped a hand across her chest, rubbing the soft fabric atop her arm as if urging herself to continue.


	7. Chapter 7

Just a quick note. I've decided to suspend writing this fic for a while. I've got a lot going on with the end of school coming up and when that's done I'll be packing up and moving, so there won't be much time for writing for quite some time. Also, I'm not exactly happy with this fic at the moment. I've got so much going on in my brain and it just isn't translating onto the page...er...computer screen. I may likely not be finishing this particular fic, or completely starting over with the same idea/revising some more. It just isn't at all what I had in mind and I am, personally, disappointed. Thank you to those of you who have been reading and reviewing and such. I really do appreciate it, and I feel guilty just leaving you hanging like this.


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